I wanna see your face when I wake up
I wanna be the light that’s in your life
I wanna feel the sunshine all the time
Today I remember Goa… the music brought it back… party shuffle all the way… this time it was the Ministry of Sound Annual 2006… the only CD we had… not even both discs… just disc 1… well, there was another CD… a mish mash of all the songs I hurriedly downloaded when I got to India and realised I had no music at all for the car… so there was also Dakota and Scissor Sisters… driving back drunk late at night in our dodgy Tempo Traveller that seats 12 but should only be allowed to take 6… and there was Kat playing the Pussycat Dolls to perfection… Dontcha think your girlfriend is hot like me… Kat is a guy…
But the thing with Ministry of Sound is you gotta listen to it over and over and sometimes its hard to tell one song from another until you’ve listened to it enough times to pick out your favourite parts and then you actually pick up song titles and track numbers so you can rewind and fast forward at will…
So we listen as we drive 16 hours from Bangalore to Goa… we listen to other stuff other people have too but nothing else registers… tracks 5, 9 and 13… we wind our way through the Western Ghats… sometimes at breakneck speeds… the hazy layer of smoke in the air… the gentle buzz from the ready mix in my head… there is no fear… the music lulls us to sleep and wakefulness again… we stop for chai and chocolate fixes…
There’s nothing quite like the start of a trip… anything can happen… funny things funny people say and do are happening already but you know the best is yet to come…
Here we are in crowded Calangute all of a sudden… along the way we pass Angel Resorts where we stayed 2001-2002… what a time… what a trip…
Goa is the same but everything else is different… maybe it’s everyone else who is different… maybe I’m suddenly too old and tired to drink as much… I definitely know I’m too tired and sick to smoke so much… the sore throat I’ve been avoiding for a few days by diligently gargling with salt water is finally catching up with me… so passes the first night in Goa… desultorily drinking at Tito’s…
The bright sunshine the next morning makes the world look beautiful again… and that first glimpse of the bright blue Arabian Sea makes it all worth it… we claim a shack as our own and spend the next six hours sunbathing and swimming… we keep up a steady stream of orders for drinks and food… and then the long awaited sunset… this is the Goa I know and love… the beach, the shack, and the sun setting…
That night we drink up and head out… we try one place after another but nothing feels right… and whoever heard of such exorbitant cover charges in Goa before… and where have all the raves gone… I’m not the world’s most enthusiastic raver but once every couple of years is alright… but no dice… everything’s busted… are we in Goa or Madras?
Today is the last day of the year… the sun is shining again and we luck out with a shack that has deck chairs that we lie on all day… before I know it, the sun is setting for the last time this year… so many memories flash before my eyes… the years that have been… tomorrow, a new year… a new beginning?
Is it 11:30 pm already? I am happy… I am with the one I love and surrounded by near and dear friends… the music at Nine Bar is loud but not intrusive… I am quietly high on life and Bacardi (with a little bit of Old Monk thrown in to make it interesting)… the organisers ask us to move away from the wall as they set up the fireworks… someone gives me a little taste of their ecstasy pill… my blocked nose clears up for a glorious 10 seconds… people hugging kissing laughing… Happy New Year… so, now what?
By 3 am, I have reached my peak… I have danced and drunk and smoked… I am in a curiously violent mood and ready to punch anyone who invades my space… the curious part is I am most disappointed I don’t actually get to practice my Kung Fu Kick… by now we have walked a lot and moved between a couple of places… word on the street is the Hilltop is where its going to go off as the sun rises… in my alcohol fuelled enthusiasm, I am all set to last until then… alas, by 5 am I’m back in my bed and pass out in seconds…
I wake up in the afternoon of the new year and my head feels like I got punched the night before but the unbearable pain in my throat clues me in on what is really going on… we head to the beach one last time but for me there is no swimming, no drinking, no smoking… all I can do is sit in my chair and gaze out at the wide expanse of sea in front of me… the air is still warm and the sun is still shining but today I am shivering… I remember the last time… I wanna feel the sunshine all the time…
There are many things I’ve forgotten over the years but there are some moments that stand out and that I will never let go of… like that moment on New Years Day 2002… it was nearing sunset… there we all were sitting around on the beach… maybe it was the same beach I am sitting on now 4 years later… coming down from our first (and last... for me, at least) ecstasy hits of the night before… a swim in the warm water… someone finds a little starfish on the sand… stomachs pleasantly full… two Bacardi and watermelons down… at that moment, I felt more content than I’d ever felt before or have felt since… anything was possible… we were young, healthy and the world was our oyster… I knew everything in the new year was going to be terribly different… I didn’t know yet if it would be good different or bad different… but I knew that whenever I just needed to feel good I could go back to that moment and feel that same warm feeling of contentment wash over me again…
So I look around now… most of the faces are different… one or two from the first time… the missing ones are overseas or otherwise occupied… and half of these new ones are fresh faced 20 year olds… the same age I was the last time… they are now coming down from their best ever high and are already planning their next visit to Goa… same time, same place… I smile in amusement at this rite of passage… maybe they will come back and maybe they won’t… and if they do come back maybe they will find what I have found… a place may never change but how it makes you feel can change because of the way you have changed…
I’m so tired… all I want is to sleep… I close my eyes and go back to that moment all over again… it still works… it still makes me feel so good inside… I realise that I am still young in a relative sense but of course that doesn’t stop me from feeling old… hopefully I am still healthy… but is the world still my oyster… is anything still possible… anyone with a gung ho live-life-to-the-fullest attitude will say of course it is… I’m not so sure… I know now that there are some things that are just not going to be possible… there are some dreams that I just have neither the time nor the inclination to follow through with… but that’s the real difference between then and now… then it might’ve seemed a horrible betrayal of myself to give up on anything… now, I accept what is and what can be and am learning to let go of what will never be… and now there are new dreams… and so that’s the same between then and now… I still dream…
There isn’t much else to tell… we leave later that night… I sleep all the way back to Bangalore… it’s a dreamless self-medication-induced stupor… I wake up to stifling heat, crowded roads and polluted air… it’s a brand new day and a brand new year… whatever will be will be…
Maybe the last two weeks of my vacation will be fun fun fun with wedding madness, Mexican themed bachelorette nights, Wild Wild West parties and six year anniversary celebrations… maybe I will return to Melbourne and walk about in a daze of homesickness and job dissatisfaction for weeks… maybe these things will pass… maybe I’ll get a better job… maybe I won’t write a word for 6 months… maybe I’ll chop my hair to half its length after 3 years… maybe before I know it, I’ll reach the halfway mark of the new year… maybe winter will go by quickly with the aid of layers and heaters… maybe there will be planned trips overseas… maybe visitors from overseas will plan to visit me?
What is this I think I feel… why do I love the sunshine… because its not always shining… that’s when we go to the secret places in our hearts where it is shining… and when it is shining, well, that’s as good as it’s ever gonna get…
