How does it feel? To be without a home... To be a complete unknown... Like a rolling stone...

So I suddenly realised we were almost at the end of August and I didn't have a post on record. I could blame my online presence on Facebook but that would be a lie cos I've only been on Facebook for about 2 weeks. And what a 2 weeks it's been on Facebook... in about 3 days, I had amassed some 100 friends and 50 wall posts and the number is still growing although obviously the number of Facebook notifications I get per day has depreciated slightly. Man, this Facebook... it's freaking mad. But anyway...

So what else has kept me busy since the last post... a lot, actually. I posted how I was dying the last time and then I went to my cocktail thing on Fri night and thought, let me stay away from the ice so I'll drink wine but it was free flowing spirits so I couldn't resist swapping to Bacardi and ice. Many drinks later, we stumbled home after dancing away and went to bed very smashed. I woke up the next day feeling not bad at all and so went and partied away that night too at the housewarmings and everything was all fine and wine. And then horror of horrors, I wake up on Sunday afternoon with the most god awful splotchy red rash all over my body. It itched and it itched and I thought I was going to die and obviously there are no doctors who work on the weekend and apparently I would've been laughed at if I'd gone to the emergency room with a "rash" and then called this doctor friend for advice and she's like oh well, if she doesn't have a stiff neck, it's probably not meningitis! So that of course made me start imaging a stiff neck and having just watched an episode of House the previous week where the patient develops splotches and they suspect meningitis, I was so sure I'd be dead within the week. Anyway, I went to the doctor the next day and she gave me an anti-allergy shot and all was well and I am obviously still alive but that was quite a scare. So I attempted to take it easy the next weekend by staying away from alcohol and I did but that was totally the last "easy" weekend...

4 weekends ago, headed out on a Fri night and had a few drinks and I'm not sure at what point things started getting out of control but pretty soon everyone was hammered and went to a couple of other places quite unnecessarily and the next day, absolutely no one could remember anything from after about 11 pm! The Sat was dreadful... I think we were still drunk in the morning when we made pancakes and called my aunt and uncle. Then, went wedding dress shopping and didn't find a thing but bought many other things instead. Then went to favourite Mexican restaurant for friend's visiting mom's birthday dinner. Drank a few margaritas to stay awake but didn't help much. Then played squash on Sun morning and went to Queen Vic market to buy meat and vegies and then fought time to get ready to go to friend's afternoon engagement party. Then ate takeaway pizza dinner, watched tv and went to bed. Then almost died of muscle ache on Mon morning since exercise was after about 5 months!

3 weekends ago, headed out for another Fri night on the town. All this Fri night business was to farewell friends going to UK and Darwin. Pub crawled a bit and got mildly buzzed but didn't go as mad as previous Friday. Saturday was still crap. Sat night was friend's birthday party so went to house with favourite labrador retriever in Australia and chased dog around all night but as usual was ignored in favour of food items. Again, drank Bacardi to stay awake but didn't help much and added complication of beginning to feel sniffly at about 1 am. By 3 am, feel like total crap and head home to pass out and pray I have somehow escaped throat infection! Sunday is easy but very painful because head cold I thought I had avoided from 2 weeks previously finally arrives in full form!!

Super crappy week ensues with not being able to take time off from work. It's always like that isn't it? That's why I use up my sickies when I just want to have a lie in... chances are I won't be able to take time off when sick anyway. Mid week farewell bbq helps to chase sickness depression away ever so slightly.

2 weekends ago, started tanking up on Fri evening in preparation of Bob Dylan concert! By the time we begin walking to concert, opening act is surely over but we walk faster and slam ready-mix in hope Bob hasn't started yet! But he has and for 1 hour we listen to songs we have never heard in our lives. Slam from hip flask in hope concert will start making sense but to no avail... finally, first song in encore is Like A Rolling Stone and heave sign of relief that I know at least one song from total concert! So night continues with more walking and more pit stops before arriving at official farewell party destination, The Order of Melbourne. Many more drinks consumed and one more bar and house visited before finally stumbling back home again. Sat is crap yet again! Sat night, dress up and head out to yet another engagement party... what a year for couples around me and me getting engaged it has been! Drink wine based punch and hang out for a few years but of course body can't handle yet another alcohol bout so take it relatively easy. Sunday is not so bad after a few weeks.

1 weekend ago, plan a quiet Fri night with a few people and a couple of drinks at home and maybe a round of poker but things don't go according to plan and quiet night becomes rowdy poker session and at 1 am people insist we go out! So out we go... back to the scene of the 4 weekends ago crime and who even knows what happens for about 2 hours. Vague memories of agua shots and jagerbombs! Stumble out of the bar at 4 am and have crazy adventures on the streets because the boys are outta control... somehow bundle everyone and souvenirs from the street into a maxi cab and drag everyone home for more drunken hi jinks before thankfully everyone finally goes to sleep. This Sat is the crappest yet and everyone is definitely still wasted at 11:30 in the morning. Head to breakfast and eggs benedict are not helping the cause at all... Great news, Sat is free for the first time in months and can finally sit at home and do nothing for a night. Sunday is also relatively peaceful after a great night's sleep and amazing 22 degree weather and bright sunshine and sipping Coronas in friend's backyard.

Happy weather days are here again... however, slightly deceptive it's been since last weekend... blue skies, low twenties temperatures, light winds... and then today, we were blasted with total winter weather again, just a reminder from Mother Nature that today is still the last day of winter and spring is absolutely no guarantee of sunny skies!!!

Two farewells were also said :-( Sad, but such is life...

This weekend... absolutely no plans... but you know what they say about the best (non) laid plans...

I don't quite know, how to say, how I feel

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

Those three words
I've said too much
But not enough

Oh my god, this is one of them songs… I haven’t had one of these songs for a while… you know, one of them songs you listen to over and over one night… I don’t know man, I have these songs once ever so often and then for a long time, I completely lose interest pretty much in music all together and suddenly that song comes along that brings it all back… So tonight is one of them nights, and this is one of them songs. It’s called Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol and I’ve heard it on tv/radio/in the stores for the last I don’t know how many months but never had it but tonight I’m just like, I have to have it and so I downloaded it and right now its on iTunes repeat and I guess it will be on repeat until I finish this post… and I imagine that’s gonna take a while. Unfortunately this is the same song that was the finale for Grey’s freaking Anatomy this year in Oz (oh, sorry, 2006, last year it seems) but I hate the freaking show so it hurts that I like the song so much but it’s ok, I’ll adjust for tonight…

Oh right, so first off, Happy Birthday dear friend Rael… we missed you over Christmas and New Years and I guess it’s going to be a while before you’re back again after your jettsetting global adventures… So anyway, I’m just back after many drinks at his birthday party and I thought now is a good time as any to update blog… haha, it’s taking twice as long to spell right, but anyhow…

Where the hell do I begin??? I guess I could begin with the first couple of nights that they got into town (they being Rita and Phil aka auntie and uncle but never wanting to be introduced as such)… oh man, it was the most awesome time ever… they’re the coolest people I know… on par with my baby sister and my baby cousins… and none of them are babies no more… oh god, I miss my family!!! It just went by so quick…

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

So anyhow, there was Christmas prep with the tree and presents and shit and then there was Christmas Eve where I forced everyone to stay up pretty much and so we tried to go to Crown Casino and stuff and the whole world tried to convince me not to go to Midnight Mass, but I went anyway, by myself, I might add… It was good though, I sang carols soulfully and missed my parents and sister like no tomorrow and then the next day my mom refuses to even believe I went to Church… geez, I’m a devil, but not that much of a devil that I’d lie about going to Christmas Mass… But anyway, I got home and we all wished each other and then exchanged the few hundred presents we had for each other and it was so good. I got so many cool clothes… I’ve pretty much worn all of them this whole little holiday of mine… Christmas is awesome!!!

Christmas Day was insane in its own little way… I’d had about 4 hours of sleep and then we went to this lunch where everyone was gathering at and oh my god, I drank like 3 drinks of Old Monk which was on offer and then it finished so I went back to Bacardi but basically we were all there from 1 pm until about 7 pm and who even knows what happened in between… This sweetheart was one of the highlights of my Christmas… no other dogs in my life at this point… there’s Rusty of course, but he’s so freaking far away!!!! Don’t worry though Holly, I still think of you evey fucking day… why? Why? Why were you taken away from me?

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things
Will never change for us at all

Then I had about one good night’s sleep after 5 days and Boxing Day I conscioulsy said I would not even take a sip of alcohol and I didn’t and that night we flew to Cairns and got to Port Douglas really late but it was sooooo good to be back in tropical climates… guess what, so called summer in Melbourne, it freaking hailed on Christmas Day… too depressing! The only thing I don’t miss about tropical climates is freaking lizards… gross as “pallis”… gross man, they creep the shit out of me… But anyway, we chilled on the beach, we ate some awesome meals and then we went on a tour to one of the outer reef areas… I tried scuba diving and unfortunately for me it didn’t go so well :-( The water just went fully into my nose everytime I tried so I didn’t do it eventually and went snorkelling instead and went on some strange ocean walk where they put this space type helmet on my head and I walked about 6 metres down the ocean floor and it was just quite mad… it was stupid man, I was just like, what the fuck is this shit… but I got to touch some fish… haha, don’t know if I ever wanted to touch fish… anyhow, the Great Barrier Reef is awesome… and the warm water is unbelievable… the last day we went on some Rainforest tour and went on a cable car ride a couple of thousand metres high and it was pretty fucking scary! And then we took some scenic railway and I think I saw some Aboriginals in Australia after 4.5 years finally! The trip was soooo good… I’m sooo going back and I’m so getting certified to go diving so I’ll have more time to get used to the breathing underwater crap!



Then we got back to Melbourne and had a whole other kind of trip… haha, I so don’t want to talk about it… I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… there are some trips better left unsaid!!! All I am willing to say is how much sense Penny Lane by the Beatles makes now!!! And I am sooo Penny Lane!!!



If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Then there was New Years Eve… I suppose it could be considered rather tame compared to various other years… but it was great… all our near and dear ones in this city were around us! I had a great time… one of the best moments was talking to baby sister dear when we were almost going to bed at 5:30 am and it was just her midnight then. Man, I don’t know how she’s going to grow up without me around… I don’t know if I’m a positive influence, but I’m certainly her older fucking sister and that has to count for something… well, I’m not around either way, so I just have to cross my fingers and hope for the best!

And then there was New Years Day where I walked around in a daze and we went to Mexican Margarita dinner and then we went to a drive in movie and I freaking slept and I don’t think I’ve ever slept at a movie before, drive in or otherwise, so believe me when I say I was fucking done to have done that! And then there was their last day where we went to the wildlife sanctuary and I finally got to see a freaking kangaroo after 4.5 years… I don’t quite know how to say how much it meant to be able to finally see one… and they are so freaking adorable!! And then we got fucking wasted that night and then they left :-(…

All that I am
All that I ever was
It’s here in your perfect eyes
They're all I can see

I so don’t enjoy being at work right now :-( Life sucks when you nothing and no one to look forward to!!

Man, it’s 2007… we can’t even pretend to be little kids anymore even though that’s all I’ll ever be at heart… what’s up with this shit that we have to pretend to be responsible adults… and I don’t even mind being a responsible adult… but, it just sucks when your age and the year kinda dictates that you have to be one… 18 til I die baby…

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

This song makes me so sad though… I don’t quite know why… it just reminds me of a time when it wasn’t like this… of course, at the time, I wasn’t satisfied at all… all I wanted was to get away… I guess, just forget the world… but it was that same time that so many amazing things happened… I remember some days, I’m not sure what we did but I know we laughed a lot and the hours just went by so quick and we thought it was never ever going to get any better and maybe it hasn’t… and I remember some nights, the first few times we went out, we went to dinner each time and then we’d buy a quart of Old Monk rum each and get fucking wasted on that one little quart… and then we’d pick up some friends who’d we give some more quarts to, haha, and then we’d go to EC-41 and we’d both get in for free because we were cool that way… that’s a whole other story, how I got a lifetime free membership to EC-41… it’s a brilliant story, but not tonight… so then we’d be in EC-41 and most nights most everyone else was there… but there were some nights that it was pouring down rain and hardly anyone’d be there… but we were there… and we’d dance and we’d sing and we’d drink and we’d smoke and we’d laugh our asses off… so it isn’t as easy as that anymore… nobody does the same shit anymore… there isn’t the one place to go to anymore, the one place that is guaranteed to get you into a good time…

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me your garden that's bursting into life

I don’t know what’s going to become of us… I mean, at one point in your life you’re so used to having a certain group of people around all the time and then one day that just doesn’t happen no more and maybe you get a different group of people and that’s also just wonderful but what about that first group of people? How do you get them back into the groove? Because you miss them and love them like you did when you were 18-20??!! But perhaps they don’t remember it like you do, and it’s as stupid as chasing cars to them to even imagine that it could ever happen again! I’ve been having these dreams these last couple of weeks, all filled with old times and old people… such good times… and this is at a time in my life where I’m completely enjoying my current life (apart from work of course)! I don’t know, I wake up highly disturbed because I feel like something’s gone terrribly wrong in my hometown and there’s nothing I can do to make it ok. I swear, it feel so real I honestly wonder what happened that I should dream of all of them so vividly… these kinda dreams haven’t happened since the first time I left India all those years ago.

I guess right now I’m sorta just hoping for good things whenever it is I get to go back again… I mean it’s always good, everytime I go back, but sometimes it just fucking kills you… I mean, it can only kill you when you’ve been away… but it fucking kills you anyway… but I love them all… and I miss them all… and that’s my utopian dream… that they could all be here with me…

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don’t quite know how to say how I feel… I’m still listening to the stupid song and it’s daylight now so that’s freaking great… I guess I will try to just not sleep until later tonight I think cos I gotta go to work early tomorrow morning anyway… But so, I was just flipping through the few hundred photos from the last 10 days and it just has to make you smile doesn’t it… the way people look in them… so happy… maybe they were drunk at the time, and sometimes they weren’t, believe it or not… but we all look so freaking happy… and a lot of the New Years Eve ones, we’re just kinda sticking our hands up in the air with the Christmas tree in the background and lots of crazy light effects happening because the fancy ass camera wasn’t on auto focus and it’s just funny… it’s just a perfect reflection of how people feel/felt/will feel… I hope it’s a good year… for everyone I know and love… something tells me it has the potential to be… the year a lot of things change for a lot of people in a good way… we’re getting old man, and there’s no denying that! I’m no longer early 20’s, I’m mid-20’s, my boyfriend will be “late” 20’s after his birthday this year, poor guy… but it’s ok… I think we’re entering a completely new exciting phase of all our lives… Happy 2007!!!

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Well it's too late, tonight, to drag the past out into the light

It’s been so long since I’ve written that suddenly this whole weekend the words have been tumbling out in my head and sometimes I really wish I had a Dictaphone or something so I could record these things I want to say as they come up in my head. Fuck, that was one hell of a long sentence.

So anyway, lots to tell. Work is really crap and I really want to get out of here but for now I’m just going to chill here because I’m going on holiday and what not. But like seriously, work is SOOOOO crap its not funny. Its just too complicated to get into right now so I’m just going to pretend that everything is hunky dory. And you know what, in my head, everything is really hunky dory because all I can think of is India… Madras… my home… my family… my friends… my dogs… it’s so close I can almost reach out and touch it. But of course I can’t… because there’s still a month and a half or so to get through… But then I think about it again and it’s like, what the fuck is 1.5 months in the greater scheme of things… because in my head, I’ve already planned the whole holiday… and in my head, everything is as it should be, as it used to be…

Last night I went to a friend’s house for a birthday party… and it was at his house, in his backyard… I can’t even remember how long it’s been since I’ve sat around in someone’s backyard… Backyards fucking ROCK! It was just so nice to sit there in someone’s honest to goodness house… normally it’s someone’s shitty rented apartment… Backyards remind me of house parties in Madras… how many have there been… my own house and its “front yard”… what tales it could tell… my terrace too… well if it came down to it, what tales my dogs could tell also… they’ve been there throughout… and I remember people trying to get my dogs stoned… poor babies… as if I hadn’t tried that already when I used to smoke in my bathroom before going to bed… they were just not into it… smart doggies!!

Today I went to a Cuban Jazz festival at a winery in Melbourne’s famous Yarra Valley… it was much fun, I say… there was dancing and bottles and bottles of wine… there were Salsa lessons that nobody followed really, and there were more bottles of wine… and there were grey skies and blue skies and raindrops on my face and the sun shining brightly… it was surreal... you know, that wine kinda lazy high...

It’s been a weekend of U2 and James Blunt… re-listening to U2 classics like “One” and “With or Without You” and discovering new songs like “Goodbye, My Lover” and “Tears and Rain”…

Well its too late, tonight, to drag the past out into the light… Its really quite something else to be going home again… its like a warm glow you can’t get away from really… Oh shit, working 10 hour days… oh wait, going home in a month and a half… its all OK…

Last night I had the strangest dream. I sailed away to China, on a little rowboat to find ya…

Very lazy to blog about anything original so I will give you some random recycled rambling excerpts from the rubbish I wrote three years ago and that I recently rediscovered thanks to recovered hard disk. Wow… that must be a personal best record of number of words beginning with R in the same sentence! I must warn you… a lot of it is really random and makes me wonder what the hell I was thinking back then!

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Sometimes you think about life back home and you wonder what you miss the most, apart from the people and dogs of course. It would be easy to say it was the food and the car and the entertainment, but I think it goes beyond that. It’s the smells… I step out on my balcony here (when it’s warm enough) and I only smell the city – dust, fumes, noise (yes, I can smell noise)! At home I’d often wake up to smells of people cooking… rich, spicy aromas. Sometimes I’d wake up to the wonderful smell of rain. And when I enter my house, it’s the smell of food and dogs… And my room, just the right amount of perfume in the air… it was perfectly balanced. If I smoked, the balance was destroyed and I worked painstakingly to restore it. It never failed to bring a smile to my face whenever I entered my room and caught a whiff of that familiarity…. like an old friend. And my parents’ room, so comforting… And my Dad’s aftershave… every single day I’d smell it in the living room, on the phone and in the car. And strangely enough the smells change as the seasons change. Summer has such a distinctive smell… it reminds me of something musty and old. Christmas leaves the smell of wine and cake in the air. When I first got here I imagined singing “I’ll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams”. But now I will be home for Christmas and I can hardly wait.

Last night I had a strange dream… it was me arriving for the first time in a foreign country. However the trams were strangely elevated and you had to take an escalator to get to the tracks. Something or someone informed me it was San Francisco… There were strange people in the dream… people I once knew but didn’t seem to know anymore. There were strange happenings in the dream… things I can’t remember in the harsh daylight of reality, but I do know that everything happened on that strange elevated tram. I wonder if I even bought a ticket!

Saturday, 7 December 2002

Editorial Note: I remember now that I was very very drunk when I wrote this!

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My goodness, I can’t wait to see Holly’s adorable face and Chocolate’s adoring face!! I try so hard to be cosmopolitan and everything but it never really works… when you think about it! Let us be lovers – we’ll marry our fortunes together. It’s so strange sometimes, actually living with people! I am homeward bound and I can’t hardly believe it… everyone looks at being homeward bound as a bad thing. Sometimes it might as well have been the 70’s or 60’s in San Francisco… people are still the same. People are strange but they’re still a part of the 60’s and the 70’s and you don’t get much stranger than that!!

I mean, tonight I was watching Dawson’s Creek and I certainly didn’t have any part to play in any freaking creek – why is high school such an issue? It’s supposed to be the best years of your life but somehow or the other reality gets a grip and you have no choice but to follow the signs… Man, the days I live in are completely awesome.

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My life is flashing before my eyes… I didn’t have the high school years of Dawson’s Creek or the Wonder Year’s for that matter, but I still feel a part of something… strangely enough!!! I love you life… honestly!!

Tuesday, 8 April 2003

Sometimes I wonder about the things I write… Is it really normal for a 21 year old to have such a pessimistic outlook on life? And the constant reminiscing… isn’t that more in keeping with a 65 year old? Or have I already passed through the best years of my life? Life was a lazy race in the sun… How on earth did I get so jaded? There is one thing that’s improved over the years, and that’s my newly straightened hair… Well, not so new anymore but it still gives me such pleasure to look at it in the mirror that I’m convinced it’s going to be taken away from me.

My dreams haunt me terribly… Lately they’re very real and based on people in my life and sometimes I don’t like to wake up. And sometimes I wake up with a smile only to realise it was just a dream. Isn’t life cruel enough without giving us the option of fantasising other versions of it? Some days the lines between fantasy and reality are so blurred, I worry about myself!

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Its understandable why half the population in the world has experimented with drugs at some point in their lives… it’s the easiest form of escapism. Even now, just remembering it all has done enough for me. I am fine… I will be fine!

Friday, 25 April 2003

I think this is the first time I’ve woken up with the urge to write. It’s the dreams I tell you… I can’t escape them no matter how hard I try. I used to think myself lucky that I could actually remember my dreams every time I woke up, but now I wonder about that… The other urge I had this morning was to listen to ‘Wish You Were Here’… We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl… Have we found the same old fears? Wish you were here… Wish they were here. Maybe I should stop dwelling on all that is gone and focus more on what is to come! But, it just seems so bleak. Hmmmm, I wonder if I was so melancholy before I met Pink Floyd… I think I was… I think I was born this way. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe its Maybelline.

Editorial Note: That last line was an ad for Maybelline. I can’t remember if India had the same ad.

Oh my god... I'm so high! 2 glasses of wine over a 3 hour Friday lunch can do that to you. It's been so long since we've done this mid-day drinking thing. Back at work now and I feel like Chief "Broom" in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest... there's a thick fog all around me.

This lunch was a celebration because a bloody system that was developed last year celebrated its first birthday this week... so lame, I know, but what fun. I didn't even know it was a company paid lunch until it was time to pay!

Anyway, everyone left and just me and two other people stayed back to continue bitching about the rest of the business for another half hour. It was theraputic!

Ok, now I must go... my friends are laughing at my highness! They were not invited to the lunch so they are stone sober right now!