The days get shorter and the nights get cold, I like the autumn but this place is getting old

Dear me… this isn’t a very happy time of the year at all. Blustery winds, cloudy skies, shorter days but longer hours of darkness, average temperatures of 14 degrees, the cold, always the cold… one can never escape the cold… while walking to work, at work (that goddamn central air conditioner… temperature control, my ass… controlled for polar bears and Eskimos perhaps!), walking back home, the living room because the balcony doors are kept open when making dinner, the bedroom because of the low temperatures all around… some relief is achieved when finally one curls up under the quilt to go to sleep… but then of course, there are the extremities to warm up… there is something about hands and feet in cold weather – they refuse to get warm and even when they do, expose them for 2 seconds and they become ice cold to the touch again. Goddamn weather! And it is only today that we are officially in winter which means the past couple of weeks were just an affectionate prelude…

There’s another thing about these crossover months before and after winter… fucking what to wear… in the last two or three weeks I have delved deep into my closet and pulled out all the layers I own and have worn 4-5 layers at a minimum on workdays. I may seem a tad bundled up compared to other pedestrians on occasion, but tough… I value my comfort over feeling like a chronic pneumonia patient with all the layers. Anyway, they aren’t some big fluffy layers… I wear a regular cotton top (sometimes two), cover that up with a light cardigan or v-neck sweater, my suit jacket next and finally a winter coat. All this means that come this time of year, my laundry load triples and as I am such a huge fan of this delightful household chore to begin with, it adds to the overall cheer and wellbeing. On the rare occasion that the sun does shine however on my way to work, I get slightly bogged down by the layers and resort to carrying them by hand. BUT… they will definitely be required when I leave work after 5:00 pm and all is once again dark and chilly. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the gloves… I fished them out prematurely a few weeks ago also and did wear them on a couple of days when I walked home in a mild 12 degrees.

At least if it rained all the time… it would add some sparkle to the bleakness… but the drought continues and showers are few and far between… and boring at that… no thundery lightning filled storms bringing big fat drops of rain and hail, falling fast and furious. Perhaps I should move to England to gratify my desire for cold rain. Of course I can also just move back to India where the warm monsoon lashings would also make me so happy.

But going back to my clothing issues… soon I will have to start carrying the beanie in my handbag for days when the wind chill has the potential to cause you a brain freeze. My ears are normally covered by headphones and then there is one final item in the normal winter ensemble, namely, the trusty scarf… I am not, however, a big fan, because I find my hair and earrings always get in the way so I sometimes use one when my hair is tied up and so my neck is normally the only body part exposed to the cruel weather, and face of course. Oh yes, that other extremity… the nose… it sometimes feels like an icicle extension of human flesh and the only solution to combat face exposure is a ski mask or balaclava but even I am not that vulnerable to the cold to resort to such measures.

For the lower body, one wears stockings and closed shoes and if wearing a skirt (although I wear skirts less and less in winter and tend to bring them back into my daily wardrobe only in far off September), knee length boots help ever so slightly. Having said that I was wearing a skirt on Tuesday with stockings and shoes and nearly got knocked over on my way to work with gale force winds of 70km per hour… so very droll! I was dreading my lunchtime venturing out but I had no choice because Tuesday was the day I gave up my Indian citizenship and took up my Australian one… sob sob… my body, mind and soul will of course always belong to the Indian motherland but my passport will now declare I belong to Australia and help me to cross most geographical borders with ease and zero visa costs. But more on this later…

Then there is the issue when stopping off for a spot of shopping on the way home. Freaking layers… if you’re lucky you get two hooks in a change room and its impossible to hook all your layers and the clothes you want to try on all on the two hooks not to mention the added time it takes to take everything off and put it back on again so you take in as many items as you possibly can the one time because there’s no way you’re going through the process of undressing and dressing more than once and this of course makes that tiny little cubicle look more like a disaster zone than a change room.

And then, how about the total lack of leaves this “fall”… remember how I wrote about the wonderful falling brown leaves and me delightfully skipping through piles of them… obviously the city and Southbank are not all that tree lined or maybe it’s more they have a higher percentage of city workers collecting and getting rid of the leaves because not ONCE have I spotted a single healthy pile of leaves… a stray leaf here and there on the sidewalk because it’s probably just dropped off the tree but nothing more. So much for that little autumnal joy of mine!

At least we still go out at night and people are still entertaining with house parties now and then… this of course opens up a whole other can of worms when it comes to what to wear! You want to look hot and sexy and some 5 layers are not very conducive to this but you also want to feel warm and toasty without having to compromise on how you look. It’s really hard I tell you… I’m taking it one weekend at a time. I guess it also depends on where you’re going. If it’s a house party, we take a cab there and back so skimpy clothing is tolerable except for stepping outdoors to smoke but as I only ever need to smoke some 5 cigarettes in a row when I’m down some 6 drinks, the odds are the rum has gotten me quite warm and toasty by that stage anyway. If it’s going out for drinks in the city and general pub hopping, you want to be sure to have a jacket at the very least over the skimpy top because there tends to be walking to the bar, walking between bars, maybe having to stand in line at a bar, and finally walking back home but again by this time I’m probably too warmed up by drink to care. But all this means of course that your jacket ends up smelling like an ashtray and as if laundry wasn’t enough, there’s extra dry cleaning in winter too. Having said that, all licensed premises go completely smoke free come July 1 so no more hair and clothes smelling like an ashtray. This means of course that I will probably cut down drastically on my smoking while drinking habit but since I am not some chain smoker to begin with, I wonder if it will have any effect on the totally addicted ones. But finally, sweater dresses have made a huge comeback this season and I have stocked up on a few and I have to say they help one look hot and keep warm all at the same time so there is hope yet for this winter. But since I can’t wear them every single weekend, I will have to endure some level of discomfort at some time or another.

But enough of cold weather and fashion… recapping the events of the last two months… various birthday parties and housewarming parties and farewells and general drinking events… some good ol’ sake to warm the bones and the faithful Bacardi standby. One Saturday, we also hosted a small engagement party at home for all our friends here and was heaps of fun. I decided we must have at the very least, a colour theme, so since I had this black & silver sequined skirt I’d been meaning to wear for months but never got around to, I made the theme black & silver and I have to say was rather impressed with the turnout. Of course there was more black than anything else but it was still quite amusing. As someone put it, it looked like we were all hanging out at the funeral of someone we were really happy had died… hehe. Here’s a picture of the invite designed by sister Rat… I composed the poem.

Here are the ladies in a group picture… what a svelte bunch we look like

Here are the men in a group picture… what a posh lot they look like

Then, last weekend my fiancé organised a go-karting event and about 13 of us raced. It was mad. There was only me and another girl and the rest were boys but I only came third last as I managed to beat one boy too. Unfortunately he was a friend of a friend so I couldn’t laugh at him and taunt him appropriately about being beat by a girl!! Just my luck! All this racing was done in some 12 degree temperature and the track was super slippery cos it was so cold and it was at night. When we finished, I thought my fingers would fall off in numbness… if I briefly took my hands off the steering wheel, it was hard to position them again because they were so freaking frozen. So we had about 10 minutes of qualifying and 15 minutes of racing and it quite crazy. By the last few laps, I was craning my neck most eagerly around the last turn in the hope of seeing the chequered flag. After, we went to the city for many drinks and dinner.

So that has been my so-called life for the past two months. Also, any teeny weeny itty bit of motivation I might have ever had to visit the gym in summer has vanished without a trace what with the cold weather and getting home in such complete darkness. Days until daylight savings time begins: 149… sigh!

Little wild one, I’ll come back to you

Chocolate has died… she passed away quietly on Saturday morning… she was 10 years old… she was the most loyal dog a family could have… she loved us all as we loved her… she watched as we welcomed dogs to the family and she watched as their time was up before her… now she gets to join them all in doggy heaven…

Dearest Chocolate

You were my best friend for all the years you were with me… I was in madly in love with you to begin with… you entered my life at a time I really needed you… you were funny and naughty and mad and that’s why I called you my little wild one… do you remember me singing that to you all the time… surprisingly, after we welcomed a little puppy who was even naughtier than you, you seemed to realise your frolicking days were up and it was time you tried to set an example for the new brat… so you became the mature, obedient one… you came when we called… you got up quietly and went out when we told you to go outside… and you always welcomed us with a smile and a cold nose touch when you saw us… even until recently when it became so painful for you to get up and walk… you taught me a lot about love and commitment and responsibility… I’m going to feel very sad when I get home and you’re not there to greet me… you always knew, every time I came back on a holiday, you were so glad I was so back… you remembered me so well… you remembered me as the one you loved the most who’d seemingly gone away one day… you remembered me because of your unfailing devotion to me… dear little Chocolate… I hope you have been reunited with all the others from the family… are you with Fudge and Teddy and Biscuit and Snoopy and Dinky and Jeanie and Max and Ginger… I bet Holly led the welcome wagon because she loved you as much as we loved you… there will always be an empty space in Fort Knox because no one can ever replace what you meant to us all… Goodbye dear Chocolate and please continue to take care of us from above…

I keep waiting for it to hit me… when I first heard she was sick a week ago and realised she was going to die soon, I sobbed my heart out. When I found out that she had gone, I shed a tear and that was it… I just felt so sad, like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders… and anything I see on TV about chocolate reminds me of her and makes me sadder but I still can’t cry… when Holly died I cried bucket loads for weeks and I can conjure up the tears for her even now… why can’t I cry for Chocolate? Because my love for her is a much deeper, steadier love… the grief is mingled with relief that her suffering was ended… so now, I just feel a huge emptiness when I think of her… and returning to my home will never be the same without her sweet loyal face at the gate as a welcome… Goodbye dear Chocolate… you will always be my little wild one and one day I’ll come back to you, I promise.

Here are all the pictures I could find of her online... Most of my pictures of her are pre-digital era...

Here she is 3-4 years ago with her good friend Holly... she was still smiling then and she was healthy and strong



Here she is play fighting with Rusty last December in a rare display of energy. Well, the energy was all from Rusty's end really... all she did was growl menacingly at him... and you'll notice Rusty all set to spring... he never got beyond getting set because he took her quite seriously and knew she wouldn't take him jumping her...



There's the growl... watch it, young punk... I've been there, done that...



This was her favourite rug to lie on downstairs in the washbasin area...



She never lost her appetite... This is a piece we call "Dog & The Bone"



She used to feel cold in her old age at nights... I bought her that dog sweater as a joke gift ages ago never thinking she'd actually need to use it :) This was her other favourite spot... on the warm rug outside my parent's bedroom. Of course her most favourite spot was my bed but for the last couple of years, she had all kinds of sores on her body so it wasn't hygienic for her to sleep in the same bed as humans, poor baby.



This is my favourite most recent picture of her... how sweetly she stretches...



Also, one year ago, my Appachen passed away on this day. We still miss you and think of you everyday. Rest in peace, Appachen & Chocolate...

A Day in the Life...

Firstly, thank you all so much... for the comments, the emails and the overall moral support and sympathy. With many of you, I don't even know your real names and it's really very touching to feel your sympathy and compassion across the bits and bytes in such a manner. And Rat and I were chatting on MSN yesterday and she said Appachen is slightly famous in blogworld now. I think he would've liked that :) So anyway, there ended an era...

I played hooky from work today. I wasn't really planning on it and I was even awake at 9:00 in the morning but something inside just cried for some time for myself. Time to think, time to be alone, time to mourn, time to just run errands that I'm always too hungover to run on the weekends...

So I called in sick and spent a rather luxurious morning on the couch watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off on my day off. Believe it or not, I've never watched that teenage classic before. How fucking cute is Matthew Broderick in it? When he was lip synching Twist & Shout at the parade (such a cute scene), I wished I had watched the movie in high school so I could've had a terriby desperate school girl's crush on him. Ah well...

After lunch (Nutella sandwiches) and a shower, I set off for a jaunt around the city. What I miss most about student life is walking around the city in the daytime. Of course, then, I had no money so I could only walk and look. And of course, now, I have no time to do anything. Today was a glorious winter's day. Bright sunshine and no wind, so just the tiniest little nip in the air and really a very pleasant day to walk about in. So I ran a couple of errands and then proceeded to the optometrist for a checkup. God has blessed me with the constitution of an ox but when it comes to my teeth and my eyes, He has always played a rather cruel game with me. Admittedly, I didn't help the situation much by eating chocolate all the time and not brushing twice a day or reading by candlelight when the power went out and never touching carrots, but still... So anyway, visits to the dentist and optometrist are always dreaded although my last visit to the dentist was pretty non-eventful very surprisingly. So anyway, I wear contact lenses and my eyes have been bothering me for a while now... a general irritation and soreness... and after putting my eyes through much torture (this includes those bloody alphabet tests, I HATE THEM, I'm always certain to fail the tiniest letters test) the optometrist says "You're not going to like me" and I'm thinking uh oh and ask "Why" and he's like "You need to stop wearing your lenses for a while. You have a Conjunctivitis allergy". So, I have to wear my horrible glasses continuously for a week or so. I haven't done that since age 14. My glasses don't look horrible but after wearing lenses all the time, going back to wearing glasses is so fucking uncomfortable. And what about when it rains? What then, HUH?? Ok, I'll stop throwing a tantrum like a small child now!

After the depressing visit to the optometrist and wearing my GLASSES instead of my sunglasses, I set off to get my eyebrows done. My regular place was booked out and I tried this tiny Wax & Nail place and the lady said all the professionals were busy so if I wouldn't mind getting it done by a student... I was slightly hesitant but really wanted to get them done so went ahead. So I lay on the bed and closed my eyes and heard much muttering in a foreign language from the two petite Asian "students" attending to my eyebrows. I was rather concerned that it was all going to go horribly wrong but by this point there was nothing I could do. On the whole, it turned out ok. Certainly could've done with more shaping but at least I still have two of them in reasonable shape.

Then I ate an ice-cream (Baskin Robbins Triple Choc... as I am also on weight loss mentality, shouldn't have but what the hell) and spent some time messaging this lazy Rat who informed me that she had taken sickie due to hangover. Tsk tsk... I wish I could've also taken sickie for such a fun reason!

Finally I went into Borders to buy some more books (also on the agenda for today was to join a library but didn't have time in the end)... I'm currently going through books at a highly frantic pace and really need to join a library to curb the spending on books. But I tell you, going into a bookstore for me is like a kid in a candy store or my boyfriend in an electronics store or car accessories store. And always I wish I could just take over the whole store. Oooh, I think maybe one day I should run a bookstore... it will make me very happy! Today I purchased a 4 book compilation of Agatha Christie Hercule Poirot mysteries.

Oh, also dashed into Church real quick. Outstanding Catholic (Catholic who never goes inside Church and always stands outside, joke from some jobless uncles of mine) that I am, its been a really long time and I felt the need as I frequently do when it's been more than a couple of months and also the need to pray for the departed soul of my grandfather and all that. The Church has installed these automatic doors and I was rather alarmed when they swung open almost in my face with a great loud creak... I totally missed the signs that said 'Automatic Doors opening outwards. Stay clear'! Anyway, they proved to be highly distracting with that loud creak even when you were inside the Church.

So now I am home again. Been chatting with Lavi who is making me all homesick for such items as roti and mattar paneer. All I have for dinner is puff pastry which serves as roti when made on the tawa and some rather suspect Dum Murgh I made last night. Well, Dum Murgh is what Sanjeev Kapoor calls it... he is my latest recipe book man... it is really just a glorified chicken curry and actually its not all that bad. Anyway, all this talk of food has made me rather hungry. The rest of my day will involve eating leftovers, watching the season finale of Lost and oooh, almost forgot, I need to pack. I'm heading off to the mountains tomorrow for a ski/snowboard weekend, not that I've ever attempted either. Been to the snow once before though... was quite a chill experience (pun intended)!! And on Monday I go to Sydney on work so I hope to be back in blogworld by Tuesday at the latest ;)

In Mourning

My grandfather passed away last night. This is the first close member of my family that I am losing and I feel so bad about the fact that I wasn’t able to be there for him at the end. I was always his favourite grandchild too… because I was the eldest, and I was a girl, and in his eyes I was the most beautiful child he’d ever seen, and I was pretty smart too. He had such dreams of throwing me this fabulous wedding when he got me married to some highly successful, extremely handsome Malayalee Catholic boy (if such a person exists). I dispelled him of that notion pretty early on but he still clung on to the hope that one day I would have a complete change of heart. Finally the last time I saw him he had even given up on that dream. He didn’t care if I married a Hindu or a Muslim or a Sindhi or a Marwadi. All he wanted was for me to get married before he passed on. So essentially I didn’t grant him his last wish. A part of me will always feel terribly guilty about that even though I always said to him that its my life and my choice.

He was such a nice man, even such a fun man. Always thinking about where he would take his family on their next summer holiday together. He loved his whiskey (the size of his drinks always put me to shame) and he loved his horse racing and anyone’s birthday or special occasion was excuse enough for him to throw a big party. Once he invited S over for a chat (more to interrogate him on his intentions with his “innocent” granddaughter, I feel) and he fixed him two drinks at the size he normally drinks and S got soooo smashed. It was hilarious, for me that is. S was just dying at how high he was. Many of my friends also knew him, have hung out with him, stayed over at his house when I was staying there, came along to their Christmas parties. Dear Rat even went to the hospital last week to visit my grandmother and parents and I was very touched that she did that. She’s been on two holidays with my family so she knows them pretty well.

And this other thing I will never forget and always brings such a smile to my face… I (and the other grandkids) call (or should I say, called, so depressing) this grandfather Appachen, which is a Malayalee word for grandfather, and everyone else calls him Dad or Uncle or whatever. At one of his birthdays, S and J and Snoop came along to the party and when it was time to cut the cake, everyone sang and you could hear one voice louder than the others singing quite happily “Happy Birthday Appachen”… it was Snoop of course… quite naturally, he was also calling him Appachen. Appachen of course was like, who is this new grandchild who came out of nowhere.

He was old and weak and he lived a good life. I can understand that he had to pass on but that doesn’t make it any easier, especially for my grandmother who spent 55 years of her life with him. And then, there are his three sons and daughters-in-law and five grandchildren who were all so fond of him. And it wasn’t just his immediate family. He was such a role model and surrogate dad to so many other people in the extended family.

I could ramble on for ages about him and the things he did and how much he meant to me and so many other people, but I think I’ll stop now.

I can’t be there at the funeral so I’ve asked my sister to read out the following letter I wrote last night as soon as I heard the news. I know that he will be listening.

Dearest Appachen

There are so many things I’m sorry about. I’m sorry I never got the chance to say goodbye properly. I’m sorry I didn’t spend more time with you, especially in the last three years I’ve been away. I’m sorry I didn’t get married in your lifetime which was one of the strongest wishes you had. But there are so many things I’m grateful for… so many memories of having you in my life for the last 24 years.

I watched as people around you always showed you the greatest of respect and how you always helped those around you and those less fortunate than you. I listened as you called your wife of many years Darling, and told us tiny tots that family, religion and tradition were things we should always hold close to our hearts. I cried when you spoke of your dead mother with tears in your eyes and told of how much you missed her. I hope you are together again now.

Little things I remember. The little things you did for your grandkids… when I was a kid, I loved Pepsi and you always made sure there was a full crate for my consumption when I came over. Car rides and horse rides and boat rides, books and movies and restaurants… anything to keep us entertained. I loved green bananas and grapes so you’d make sure there were green bananas and grapes when I came over. Anything our parents said no to, we always had a backup plan in you and you never had the heart to say no to us.

You laughed at my precociousness and told me to reach for the stars and you were always so very proud whenever I achieved anything.

I remember a day when you quite patiently took me from bank to bank to get things notarised (I think there were 15 banks in total) all for the sake of helping me get my visa. I remember thinking that day that there was no one else who would’ve done all that without getting at least slightly irritated and losing their temper at least once at the heat or the waiting or the traffic or anything like that. That was one of the happiest days I spent with you in the recent past.

And always I remember the look of joy on your face whenever you welcomed me back home and even whenever you casually saw me for lunch or dinner or just to say Hello. And the way you cried every time you said goodbye… you were always so afraid that you wouldn’t get the chance to see me again. The last time I said goodbye to you was in October last year and you made such an effort to wake up early and see me off at the unearthly hour at which I was leaving. And I remember the hug you gave me through the bars at the airport and your grip was so very tight and you cried and I think maybe you knew you wouldn’t see me again and I remember hoping that it wasn’t the last time I saw you and how we would laugh again together when I saw you this year. It was never to be.

It still hasn’t sunk in really, that you are no longer around. I suppose it won’t fully until I come home to Madras and realise that you are really not there. Because you are such a part of what home and Madras means to me and now a part of my home will be missing. But you must know that you will live on in our minds and spirits and memories. Whenever I eat a good meal or have a sip of fine whiskey or attend a good party, I will raise my glass in memory of you. Because even though you were old and diabetic and should’ve been taking more care of what you ate and drank, when Amana and I chastened you about it, you said that your weaknesses were good food, fine whiskey and a good party. And that’s how I’ll always remember you… as someone who lived his life to the fullest and who didn’t waste any time in being worried about things not worth worrying about.

I will miss you terribly and think of you everyday. Goodbye dearest Appachen. I know you will be keeping an eye on us from afar and I’m pretty sure there’s some good horse racing and fine whiskey to enjoy up there until we all join you.

Love always,

Your oldest granddaughter