And it’s your face I’m looking for on every street

Its that time again. When I begin to miss everything and everyone I know from home. I’m not sure what triggers it. I’m happy and busy and then suddenly Wham!, it hits me like a ton of bricks. And then for the umpteenth time I wonder if any of this is worth it. New cultures, new experiences, financial independence, whatever… I’m rather over that whole spiel.

This time, I think I can put my finger on what brought it on. A few things… my grandfather is very old and diabetic and recently suffered a fall and hasn’t been really getting better and every time I’ve called, after the conversation, I’ve felt like running into my room and burying myself into my quilt and somehow going back in time to when he was younger and healthier and could speak coherently. Poor old man, I really hope he gets better and that I’m able to see him again.

I haven’t heard from my Mom and Dad in a long while. There are people I know who speak to their parents (definitely their mothers) at least thrice a week. I probably speak to my parents once a month, and that’s enough for me. We’re not the ‘tell each other what we ate for lunch and dinner’ type. But they still push for the thrice a week quick emails to let them know I’m alive and alright. And normally, my Dad will email me like thrice before I finally reply and ask him to stop irritating me. But in the past three weeks, there’s only been a couple of hastily scribbled lines and I really miss hearing from them. I hate not knowing what’s going on. I know they’re real busy with my sister’s active lifestyle and my granddad being so ill and I’m also worried that they’re not emailing me because they don’t want to lie to me about how bad he really is.

Then there was an email from my 15 year old sister sister this weekend. Surprise, surprise indeed! She went on about high school and sports day and inter school cultural events and play practice and salsa lessons and teenage boys and I think to myself, great, I’m missing out on the best years of her life!

The following is an excerpt from her email. It was sent to me and my 16 year old cousin Mike who lives in the US. Isn’t it amazing how these under 18 year olds absolutely refuse to use capitalisation or punctuation of any sort. Most times I need to read these kids’ emails twice or thrice before I catch everything.

i miss the time we spent together in summer soooo much.. all the fun we had. sooo mike r'nt u doin anythin to try nd get me a schol??? cmon i know u miss me nd want me back ther nd also c if u can find a way for penny lane to come.. evrey once in a while i think bout that trip tp aussie when were all 18.. it'll be soooo much fun

Her current obsession is getting a scholarship to study in the US when she finishes high school. So again, I lose the opportunity to have a single family member anywhere near me. But she’s also trying to get me a job in the US so we can all be one big happy family there in a few years. I never ever thought I’d miss family the way I do currently but it is unbelievably depressing to not have a single family member in the country, let alone a single family friend. So I would welcome a move to the US to chill with my aunts and grandparents and cousins.

I promised her and Mike and Mark an awesome trip to Australia as soon as they were all 18 so I could really take them out and show them a good time and they could have their first drinks with me, their big sister. Although, come to think about it, they’ve already had their first drink with me. I got super wasted one night in May and they fully took advantage of my drunkenness that night and went and got themselves a silly wine cooler or something to share among themselves. M&M’s mom would just kill me (and them) if she ever found out! So anyway, at least I have that to look forward to… in about…. ummmm… three years?!!

And then finally there’s the friend of Madras. So there’s been lots of drinking and partying and what not but also too much of ‘Oh, remember when that happened? Remember that night at my house? Remember that trip to Bangalore? Man, he’ll never change’, etc. etc. I miss Madras and I miss my friends in Madras. What I would give for my little circle to live in the same place, doing the same silly things we did in days gone by?!

So, yes, home is a long way off. The people who make my home the warm haven it is are scattered all around the globe. There’s a scene from the movie Garden State where the main character talks about what its like to come back home. He says how you always imagine home a certain way in your head when you live away from home and then when you actually come back you realise that you’ve been holding on to something that just isn’t there anymore and “home” is now just a place that stores your old stuff. But you don’t really have a new home yet so you’re kinda stuck, lost, in limbo… until you have children of your own and home becomes a place that your children will always want to come back to because of the wonderful memories you create with them in your home.

I don’t know how much sense that made. Watch the movie. Its pretty funny.

My home isn’t the way I remember it when I return, but I still miss it and yearn for it everyday. And right now, I am in such a state of limbo that saying Boo might push me over the edge.

Where do we go? What do we do?

This too shall pass…

The sacred and profane
The pleasure and the pain
Somewhere your fingerprints remain concrete
And it’s your face I’m looking for on every street

---Dire Straits - On Every Street